rockthecliche: (「田中」 → WHAT THE SHIT)
[personal profile] rockthecliche
i know i'm not the only person who does this, the whole, "oh, this song is awesome, and the music video would be like this and that!"

i drove back from canada today and, well. between getting a grand total of 6 hours of sleep in the past three days and having to drive for hours on end on top of that, my mind -- ain't right.


i implore you to listen to this while you read.


so we start off with koki and maru spittin' sweet beats and rhymes at some nondescript club in LA, complete with maru's beatboxing and koki spelling out 'kat-tun' and everyone being like, "lol why is he spelling out kat-tun?" and i mean, let's paint the scene. we're talking "california love" california, not the swank LA everyone saw jin running around in. more like the "born and bred in compton" LA. okay? so the show's getting started and people are like, "yo, besides the fact their english is funky, shit's not bad!" and then, because this is compton/LA during the 90's when the ~coastal rap war~ was at an all time high (i can lecture about this, actually, is that sad? i wrote a 20 page research paper about this for my african american studies course. okay wait i'm gonna stop before i sound more craycray), at the end of koki and maru's rap/beatoboxing intro thing, there's a gunshot. DRAMATIC SLOW MOTION, PANIC IN THE ARENA, KOKI FURIOUSLY WHIPPING HIS HAIR BACK AND FORTH TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE IT CAME FROM, maru on the verge of tears, etc, etc. fade to black.

when the music kicks back in, koki and maru are in an escalade that they may have stolen from someone. koki is rapping at the windshield while maru is making pained faces a la RESCUE out the side passenger window, and his face gets even more pained when he starts to sing, as he's for sure singing about ~the hardships of love~. when maru's first verse is over, the screen cuts to them getting out of the car and koki is rapping along to his part but pretending it's dialogue like a big bang music video (haru haru, y'all). they're standing in the lesser developed areas of town, in front of a house that looks like it's going to just collapse on itself. there is some angst in which maru is scared (par for the course) and then they're walking up the walkway and knock on the door. the door opens and it's dr. dre and snoop dogg BECAUSE IT WOULD NOT BE A CALIFORNIA MUSIC VIDEO WITHOUT HIM IN IT, OKAY, and they're like, "yo dawgs, come on in and we can figure your mess out for you."

"WHAT MESS?!" you might be asking because besides the gunshot in the arena, nothing happened. but that gunshot has ~everything~ to do with...everything.

(before i continue: i imagine that while this music video was being filmed, maru was nervous to be around snoop and so, in a state of panic, he tries his foolproof, "i'm a sushi chef/sushi ouji!" bit, and snoop laughs. maru is pleased. koki, however, doesn't have the heart to tell his friend it's because snoop just toked up like, -10 seconds ago.)

CUE A FLASHBACKS SCENE intermingled with scenes happening concurrently with the maru/koki beatbox/rap collab of epic proportions onstage, and of course, there's a girl involved. i imagined a brazilian bombshell so maru can be DOUBLY awkward during the making, but i mean, we can replace her to fit your tastes. anyway, she's the typical 'good girl gone bad by accident' kind of story and maru is in love with her or some shit. so she's in some sort of trouble, hence the gunshot -- she's not shot, it was just a threat, pretty much, and in the panic, they (muahahahaha) snatch her up and then call maru. maru and koki are still on stage looking shocked and stunned at this point, prior the alleged escalade stealing. however, since this is the 90s, people aren't used to voiceover machines so maru is like, "huh, this dude sounds familiar?" but then koki just smacks him and tells him to get a move on. are we all following so far? everyone good?

so after a rather intense scene with dre, snoop, maru and koki (in which snoop just nods along and dre is all intense and koki is agreeing wholeheartedly. you can probably figure out what maru's face is like) in dre/snoop's living room, they hatch a plan and it involves a lot of weaponry, guns, ninja stars, bugging equipment, and of course, sweet, kickass, boosted cars. and not to mention dre's entire legion of henchmen. the only henchmen koki and maru turn up with is a cleverly disguised tegoshi (read: he's crossdressing. go figure), their own guns expert, arsenal (bc koki and subaru are frannnnz and alternate realities are okay), and massu, just for moral support. dre, snoop, koki, and maru confirm the details of the plan one last time and they shake and fist pound it (maru takes six tries to get it right) and then -- cue the straightening of leather jackets they get out of no where.

and then there's a lot of action including, but not limited to, a car chase, a badass gunfight with arsenal owning everyone after a bullet grazes his cheek, massu talking at enemies until they fall asleep, and tegoshi successfully getting kidnapped himself so he can make sure nameless brazilian chick is all right. that tegoshi. what a nice guy. too bad nameless brazilian chick isn't held in the same room, but the effort was well noted!

the last scene is located by some warehouse (it's always a warehouse) and koki and maru run on screen after receiving threatening texts about maru's lady friend's life. there are spotlights, and after their eyesight adjusts, the girl is all, "ahhh help meeee" and she's being held hostage by dmx and his ruff ryders. dre and snoop are no where to be found and all they have between the two of them is a can of mace and sharpened penlights, serving as a flashlight/dagger combo. CAN THEY BEAT THE ODDS? WILL MARU ACCIDENTALLY SPRAY HIMSELF WITH THE CAN OF MACE?

the answer is no, because they don't get to use their weapons at all! crazy skateboarding hipsters, courtesy of dre's major label connections, rock up and take out dmx and the ruff ryders, sending them into an abyss of eternal shame (legit, how else does this explain the sudden disappearance of such an awesome group? besides dmx going to jail). maru takes off to ~rescue~ the maiden (ohohoho you see what i did there? ;D) but then SUDDENLY, another arm whips out and grabs the girl, keeping her hostage. koki is yelling at maru to get back and don't do anything stupid (lol this is maru, koki, what). the hipsters flee (or are now tired and taking a break, puffing on cigarettes and discussing old school cake and how much better they were when they weren't mainstream, then they beat up that one kid that points out they're not even mainstream). maru stops in his tracks and looks absolutely shocked and stunned, realizing why the voice on the phone sounded so familiar, because keeping the girl hostage is none other than The Guch, looking rather smart in a suit and sweet wingtip shoes. he flashes his patented winning smile and snaps his fingers. an entire army of yakuza file in on screen and look menacing.

there's a short montage after this, in black and white, with just a heartbeat thumping because "ONE ON ONE pt 2" is CLEARLY IN THE WORKS, JOHNNY, PLEASE. in the meantime, please use your imaginations and imagine the sequel. is The Guch really The Guch or just an evil stand-in? do the three books on rio de janiero help maru find a common topic to talk to brazilian girl about? does koki upgrade and actually get to do something? i guess we'll never know until "ONE ON ONE pt 2".

I'M LOOKING AT YOU TWO, MARU, KOKI. 8|



el fin.
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rockthecliche

October 2011

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